Wednesday, November 26
[the return]i'm slowly making my way back.
i think what happened last week was a horrible mixture of really bad PMS, sleep deprivation and a bad case of 'one of those weeks'.
sometimes it's just awful when you start to doubt yourself, when you're not sure why on earth you're still around. and this past week has been filled with that. it's just so many issues that have been knotted into one big ball of frustration. i'm tired of sharing my space - i think it's time that i had my own space to deal with (and i mean this literally, i share a room with my sister, and this room just isn't big enough) i'm tired of having my things all over the room because there's no space anywhere for them. i'm tired of being woken up at all hours of the morning because my sister is incapable of being considerate and making less noise when i'm already asleep and she gets home. she never leaves a light on for me when i come home late so i have to stumble through the darkness just to get to my bed. but what is it that i always do when she's not home and i'm asleep? i leave a light on for her. not that it matters anyway, she usually turns the lights on when she gets in.
but i guess it's not just about my sister. i don't think anyone could expect a 23 year old and a 28 year old to suddenly share rooms after 20 years of having our own rooms. what scared me alot was the lack of affinity i feel with my family. it's almost as if i don't feel any attachment with them - they're just people who happen to be living in the same house as me. and that can't be very good, can it?
it got to a point where my mother and i weren't even talking because i was so tired and frustrated but it was so difficult for me to communicate to her why i was feeling like that. in all honesty i don't think i even know myself. but i laid down in bed on monday night and cried for an hour. i didn't even know why i was crying, and i couldn't get myself to stop. and the whole time i thought, 'is this really worth it? it's not like i'm making much of a difference anywhere'. and something like this is so hard to talk about with someone. what can you say really 'yeah, i'm not making a contribution anywhere.. i think i'll just disappear'. and it's not that i didn't want to talk to anyone about it, that's the only thing i wanted to do.. but who to tell and what to say?
i feel slightly trapped, like i've been painted into a corner. and through the tears as my mother was trying to find out just what the hell was going on, i said out loud 'i'm not happy. i haven't been happy for a very long time.' but i can't figure out what's making me unhappy. or maybe it's what's not there to make me happy. all i've ever wanted out of life, really, is just to be happy. but it seems like the simplest thing is always the hardest to get.
i haven't got a terrible job, although i feel like i'm becoming a bit stagnant in it - i think i need a new challenge. not more things to do, just something new to achieve. i'm tired of organising things for other people.. it's my job, i know, but i want to yell at people and say 'it's not that bloody hard, you can do it yourself!' i just want people to do work to their best ability, and not be lazy and rely on me to do it for them.
have i become an empty shell? i seem to only feel anger, hurt and disbelief. i've lost my ability to feel happy, even for other people. i've lost the ability to see the funny side of things sometimes, and nothing seems to be able to faze me, or touch me in any way. it's like i can only say 'oh okay'. what happened to all my emotions? what happened to all the feeling, the passion and the spark i had in me? is it possible to get it back? i just feel like all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep.
maybe one day i'll get my answers, but i know it's not something that will come to me overnight, or in a brilliant flash of inspiration. or maybe it'll just be something that will creep back into my life slowly, and i won't notice that something's changed until one fine day.
all i know is that i don't like myself this way, it's not the person i want to be.
so, slowly, i'm going to make my way back, and eventually i hope i'll be better than i ever imagined.
Friday, November 21
hmmthis week has thrown me one of those curve balls that i never saw coming at all..
right now i'm having a vodka orange at home, which really is more like vodka with a splash of orange. now there's really only a few reasons why i like to drink at home - i can't get to sleep or i'm extremely upset. unfortunately in this case it's both.
i want to say more, but i'm just really really tired at the moment. so forgive me if it's a while before i blog again.
Wednesday, November 19
[hot air ballooning and a little thing called the barrier reef]the one thing about going up in a hot air balloon is that you have to wake up at a pretty ungodly hour to get to the hot air balloons in the first place. now there's a pretty good reason for this, but that's still precious sleep that you're interrupting!
but yes, we managed to wake up in time (we had to leave the hotel at 430am. FOUR THIRTY!) and i think we all dozed a little on the way there.
is it really what everyone thinks it is? well.. for one, it's not like in the movies! there isn't one big basket that everyone stands around in, it's really more like one long rectangular basket that's divided into 5 sections - one for the pilot and four for the passengers (just to make sure that everyone's balanced). everything kind of moves up really slowly, and you do get a pretty good view of the whole area. but the fun bit is after you've landed. then it's the packing up! did you really expect that you could get a hot air balloon ride and then bugger off? no siree, not in australia you don't! ahahah..
we helped the guys pack up the balloon by trying to get all the hot air out of the canvas balloon and then tucking it so that it rolled up into one big ball (it's a bit like trying to pack a sleeping bag, but on a much bigger scale!).. then we have to hurl it into a special bag that holds the canvas, but only with great difficulty and much laughing. hee
then it was off to a champage breakfast for us to reward ourselves for a hard's morning work done :)
and if that wasn't enough excitement for the day, we headed off to the great barrier reef.
i've never been one to get seasick (or carsick, or bussick or airsick for that matter. really i can just sleep anywhere anytime) but this was the one time where even the most iron stomach started churning a little because it was so windy on the way out to the great barrier reef that the boat we were on was just tossing everyway it could possibly toss.
but we finally got out to the pontoon that the company had right on the edge of the barrier reef, and i hopped into the water for my first try at snorkelling.
now i have to admit that i've never gone snorkelling before and it doesn't look like it'd be very difficult. and it's not really, except that for the first minute i was in the water i kept panicking because i couldn't remind myself that i had to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose.
sounds simple right? not when you're in freezing cold water trying to breathe as much as you can!!! but soon after that i got the hang of it, and just looking down at the little fishies swimming around the coral made it all worth while.
it's absolutely beautiful down there, and the fish are so colourful! apparently the reef used to be alot more vibrant and colourful but because of all the damage it's had through the years it's slowly dying bit by bit, which i think is a terrible waste. but i'm glad that i finally got to see this wonderful beauty, and there was even a part that dropped off into the ocean, and it was just like in finding nemo! ahahahah..
yes, i have to say, i had alot of fun that day snorkelling and hot air ballooning.
even if it did mean that my hair ended up in knots and with so much volume it felt like i had an afro. salt water does that to you apparently. so thank god i don't bathe in salt water!
and yes! i did get a nice tan from my day out at the barrier reef, and despite what most cosmetics companies say, i think i look much better with a tan, than with a 'veil of whiteness'.
okay, more on queensland the next time, afterall there's still 'palazzo versace, dahhlink!'
Monday, November 17
i have returned!it's been a week since i last touched a computer, and admittedly the first few days i kept wondering if i should be in search of a computer to check my email and that sort. but i figured i might as well go along with the flow of the trip and ignore technology as much as i could! to tell you the truth it feels a bit funny to be sitting in front of a computer again, but i'm sure i'll get over that soon!
so here i am, with a nice gorgeous tan (probably not brown enough, but it'll do for now!) i've just spent the last 8 plus hours on a plane, with another 3 in an airport. the flights were all pretty okay except there was no personal entertainment systems. oh the horror, the horror! who'd have thought in this day and age that would still happen??? ahahaha but i survived!
queensland is beautiful, the beaches are so perfect. crystal blue waters and powder fine sand.. it's truly truly amazing. freezing cold water, but still amazing.
i'm in the midst of unpacking now, so i'll probably just end up recounting my memories from the trip in drips and drabs over the next few days. all i can think right now is that it doesn't feel like it's been a week, but more like a month, in both a good and bad way. but i must say that it's an experience i'm glad i had because otherwise i probably would have never gone near cairns or gold coast at all!
i think despite all the walking around we did on the trip i might have put on some weight. every morning we had a big breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages - and then we'd head somewhere else for a big lunch, and end off with a really big dinner!
okay i'm off to finish unpacking first and then shower!
Monday, November 10
things that happened this weekend:- feeling very sleepy.. it feels like i just can't get any quality sleep when i'm curled up in bed. i think it's time i got my own place. but at least the result of one of those sleepless nights is...
- one less loser in life
janice and i have now got one less loser in our lives! it's great really because no one needs that kind of aggravation in their life. but what a classic moment it was... ahhh! and janice's boyfriend wrote the best telling off email i've ever read in my life. i just couldn't stop laughing when i read it. he gets my HERO OF THE MONTH award, hands down!
- wedding dinner dress shopping
tried on a multitude of dresses, none of which struck my fancy enough. i did see a gorgeous champagne coloured karen millen dress with lots of beading. but it was over 700 dollars and had beads missing already.. and i don't think i want to pay 700 for something that's already falling apart! there were a few nice ones in BCBG but the price tag wasn't as friendly as i'd like it to have been, but that wouldn't have mattered anyway because they only had size 0 - 6. i'd probably need to buy two dresses just to make sure i was covered sufficiently!
- finding a book to read in queensland
i'm trying to find a book to read while i'm in queensland but i can't seem to find one that's caught my fancy enough. there's a few that i've already read that i'd love to read again, but i know i'd probably finish those in one go.. hmm i should have started a book search a bit earlier, i just didn't realise it was going to be this hard to find one that i liked!
- movie watching
i watched both the matrix and kill bill. i'm not sure how i feel about either one. i think matrix revolutions would make more sense if i had rewatched the first two just before watching the third one. the action was good, the effects were good, the acting a bit so so.
kill bill.. hmm i don't hate it, i don't love it, but there's something about it i don't quite like. the problem is i can't figure out what that is. it's brilliant film making in its segments, there are parts of the movie that i really really like, but as a whole.. something just didn't work. maybe when vol 2 comes out it'll make more sense or have a more complete feel to it.
things happening right now:
- sitting at my desk waiting to go home to finish packing. i think i've got all the stuff that i need.. but i'm sure i'll get there and then remember there was something else i should have brought! but this time round my glasses have already been packed in, so there's no way that i can forget them (the last time i went on holiday i suffered two weeks of blurry nights because i'd forgotten to pack them in!)
- wondering how the flight is going to be. i don't have a problem with travelling (i don't get carsick, airsick, bussick or trainsick, and i'll sleep practically anywhere!) but i dunno.. i'm kinda not in the mood to travel at the moment. sigh!
- my stomach's growling really loudly. i wonder what's for lunch...
Saturday, November 8
okay so i've started doing some of my packing, and i realised that i'm horrid at packing for short holidays. i mean, i can't even decide what i want to wear to work the next day (and sometimes not even for work!) so how can i decide what i want to wear for a whole week ahead of time?!so i had no choice but to fling every top i wanted to wear into the suitcase first and then work through a process of elimination. so in went about 20 over tops, until lorraine pointed out that really that wasn't going to be feasible even if i wore two tops a day. but i did also tell her that i hadn't eliminated any tops yet, so i'm proud to say that i'm now down to six tops. now all that's left is my cosmetics and underwear, which i'm sure shouldn't be a problem at all...
okay i think it's time for a break!
it's been a while since i posted anything, and i've been so busy it's almost as if i haven't had any time to breathe. it's been quite hectic at work, but only because i've got the queensland trip coming up next monday. i've had a look at the itinerary, and on the one hand i'm kinda glad that everything's been planned out for me, so all i have to do really is just show up when they want me to, and go where they want me to. the only bad thing about that is that i had no say in how the itinerary was planned, and now i have 0345 checkout at hotels so we can ride for an hour to see the sunrise.
hmmm..
somehow i think i might prefer the sleep over seeing the sunrise! but they did factor in some shopping time for us, and i certainly can't argue with shopping time!
i got this off janice's site..
10 people you want to meet
1. Marilyn Monroe
2. My Guardian Angels
3. Sandra Bullock
4. Hugh Grant
5. My maternal grandmother before she had a stroke
6. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
7. The Schumacher brothers
8. Cleopatra
9. Jim Henson
10. Roald Dahl
9 things you wear everyday
1. Moisturiser
2. Blush
3. Undereye concealer
4. Deodorant
5. Powder
6. Contact lenses
7. Bra
8. Perfume - sometimes Anna Sui, sometimes Kenzo, sometimes Pleasures
9. A bemused expression
8 of your favorite foods
1. mee pok
2. ice kachang
3. yami yoghurt
4. beef horfun
5. chilli crab/pepper crab
6. crepes from stokers
7. sashimi
8. pasta
7 of your closest friends
1. Lorraine
2. Chad
3. Sharon
4. Leanne
5. Giselle
6. Julie
7. Angel
6 of your favorite shows
1. CSI
2. Friends
3. Two Guys and A Girl
4. Alias
5. Sex And The City
6. MTV
5 favourite things in your room
1. Computer
2. Bed
3. My collection of handbags
4. Bottle of vodka
5. DVD player and DVDs
4 things you ate today
1. mee pok
2. yami yoghurt
3. quarter pounder with cheese
4. char siew pao
3 things you could not live without
1. mobile phone
2. internet
3. my friends
2 books you recently read
The Life of Pi and Straight Talking
1 person you can't go a day without mentioning
1. I think it's a toss up between Lorraine and Chad
Sunday, November 2
some weekends are just relaxing, where everything seems to go at just the right pace, even if you're having a weekend jam packed full of things that had to be done.the weather's been very cool, although it's slightly humid. but the hot hot weather hasn't been bugging us for a while, and it's always nice to have cool, fresh weather to stay home to.
i went through my closet today and got rid of clothes i knew i was either going to take another two years of gym work to fit into, or things that i just would never wear again. it feels quite good though, and now i've actually got a little bit more closet space available. which means, of course, that i'll have to go out shopping now to fill it again!
i've got my shoes, so next on the list is a grey top, and nice grey pants. plus pointy shoes. i have a feeling i'll never find the right pair of pointy shoes to buy. it'll become just like the rattan bag i always wanted but could never find. could have been a good thing though, i'm not sure how much i'd use a rattan bag now..
i think this has to be one of the most sensual songs of the year...
Knew you'd be here tonight
So I put my best dress on
Boy I was so right
Our eyes connected
Now nothing's how it used to be
No second guesses
Track in on this feeling
Pull focus close up you and me
Nobody's leaving
Got me affected
Spun me 180 degrees
It's so electric
Slow down and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Come on and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Don't wanna rush it
Let the rhythm pull you in
It's here so touch it
You know what I'm saying
And I haven't said a thing
Keep the record playing
Slow down and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Come on and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Read my body language
Take it down, down
Slow down and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Come on and dance with me
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Yeah, slow
Skip a beat and move with my body
Skip a beat and move with my body
Skip a beat and move with my body
Slow
- slow by kylie minogue
Saturday, November 1
just because I’m in the mood for it, here’s a quiz!Name : Deborah Giam (NOT Debra. That’s a whole other name.)
Time started: 0135hrs
Birthdate: 050380
Age: 23
Home town: Singapore
Siblings: 1 older sister
Righty or lefty: righty, but I can write with my left.
~~~~~Your Looks~~~~~
Hair Colour: brownish reddish colour
Eye Colour: brown
Do you wear contacts or glasses?: yes
Do you have any piercings: yes and some that I don’t have anymore
Do you wear any rings: yes
What shoes do you wear: comfortable ones! unless I’m in the mood for a bit of torture, then I wear the ones that are strappy and look dead sexy but hurt like hell.
~~~~~Just Lately~~~~~
How are you today: mellow, slightly stressed
What pants are you wearing: I wore jeans to work, but now I’m just in my pjs
What shirt are you wearing: redbull tee my sister bought from Bangkok for me
What does your hair look like at the moment: almost dried, slightly messy
What song are you listening to right now: whatever the winamp player is spewing out.
What was the last thing you ate: pizza
How is the weather right now: very nice and cool, great for chilling and lounging
The last person you talked to on the phone:
chad, when I was outside his front door and he wasn’t home yet!
~~~~~More About You~~~~~
What are the last four digits of your phone?: which phone? work – 7900, home – 4118, mobile – 2542. should I buy 4D now?
If you were a crayon what color would you be?: aquamarine
Have you ever almost died: no I don’t think so
Best advice anyone's given to you: everything happens for a reason
What sport do you hate the most: football. come on, 22 grown men on a field full of spit, chasing a black and white ball?
How many phones do you have in your house: whoa, too many to count.
Do you have your own phone line: nope
Animals: yes, a dog and a ton of fish
Place for a dream house: hmmm, somewhere in Melbourne would be nice.
have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone: sprained yes, fractured/broken, no.
Who would you tell your dreams to: depends on my mood.
who is the loudest friend: hmm, Tamara?
Who is the quietest friend: none!
~~~~~You and Love~~~~~
Do you believe in love: yes
Do you believe in love at first sight?: not really, it’s usually lust.
Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: nope
Did you send this to your crush: nope!!
What song do you want played at ur funeral: hmm I don’t know. I can’t think of any right this second
Lights on/off: off, but with candles
Do you like snow, sun, rain: sun
Summer or winter: winter
white or chocolate milk: white
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: jell-o, can eat when you’re finished. haha!
Skiing or boarding: skiing
Day or night: night
Cake or pie: cake
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or sunrise: Sunset
~~~~~~Have You Ever~~~~~
Loved someone so much it made you cry: yes, and hopefully that’s the only time
Smoked: when I’m stressed
Broken the law: if I told you, I’d have to kill you!
Time finished: 0144 hrs
about me
i'm 24, a pisces, working in a magazine, sitting back and watching life go by.
i love escaping into movies and magazines, and most of all my friends.
but for now just relax, life will happen when it happens.
you're reading of my blog
linkages
pebbleschad
cindy
keryl
janice
colz
sunnie
ron
aaron
charmane
bing
juicey
mr brown
phyllis
baby el
cal
rainia
jing
other bits
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