Tuesday, September 30
mmm yes, another alcohol filled week coming up..it's things like this in life that make it so much fun!
Saturday, September 27
[volume low]i've decided it's time to just lower the volume in my heart, and give myself head a break. i haven't got the answers to the questions, but i don't think it's something i'm going to get anytime soon at any rate.
and i guess there's nothing good company and lots of alcohol can't cure :)
Thursday, September 25
my mind is a swirl of thoughts, my heart is in a state of confusion, and my soul's just lost.but somehow with all those things going on, i can't seem to find any words to say what i'm feeling..
so for now i'm not going to say very much at all.
Tuesday, September 23
(just a warning, none of this entry might make sense, i'm not in the best state of mind)i feel like i'm on the edge of something. like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff, and behind me is a great big wave of water that's hurtling right at me, but i just don't see it.
i feel like perhaps i'll just jump before that wave hits me but the problem is, i don't know what's below to catch me.
is it bad that the one thing that makes you happy is also the one thing that hurts you the most?
i feel like it's been a long time since i was truly and purely happy. not just happy for someone that something great had happened to them. but just really happy. everyone around me seems to be happy, but yet i'm stuck in this black hole of emotions where i don't know if i'm coming or going. or if what i have is as good as it'll get.
should i learn to move on to other things? or am i just clinging on to what feels familiar and safe? i don't have great ambitions i'll admit that. i don't want to be some powerful businesswoman, or CEO or anything like that. most of the time i'm happy with what i've got. it's the moments when i stop to see what i've got that make me sad, because i'm not sure what it is that i really have.
i want to believe that out there is possibly the answer to everything. that i'll find the half of me that's missing.
why do i let myself be so emotional? why do i love people with everything that i have, with all the emotion in my heart and soul? how is it possible that someone can't love me that same way?
today i went to see a fortune teller (yes i do see one, and she's so deadly accurate sometimes it freaks me out) and she told me things i hadn't thought about in years. and it jarred me. not because it was something i want to hide, even though it's not something i've told anyone, and i mean truly anyone, except one person. it was just something that i'd come to accept, and just let it be. but when she mentioned it again today, i felt such a pang it was almost as if a flash of lightning had hit me out of the blue.
she touched on emotions that i didn't want to acknowledge were there and she gave voice to the concerns my heart didn't dare to say.
everything she said was right. but now only time will tell.
suddenly i feel lost. and i don't think there's a way back to the way i used to be.
the me i knew is no longer there. the me that loved life with a passion was hurt, she withdrew from life and hides in a shell.
the me that used to be, she doesn't live here anymore.
she's been replaced by a sad cynical shadow, that doesn't understand the language the universe is speaking.
i want to be alone with my thoughts, and not be interrupted by the world. but i know the minute i'm alone, all i'll want to do is find someone to talk to. but i don't know who to go to, and i know the one i want to run to might not want me to be around.
why do i feel like something's missing from life? like i don't quite belong here, because there's nothing left for me to accomplish. i don't want to end my life, but it feels like there has to be more life than this.
is what i'm waiting for worth it?
Sunday, September 21
*sighhhhs*alright, i admit it, i'm such a sucker for romantic comedies. i just finished watching love on a diet, and it's such a sweet movie! and goodness knows if she can lose that much weight, i'm sure i can too! ahahha
but sigh. i want to believe that there's someone out there who'd think that i would be worth all that. that someone would stand by me no matter what happened and be there always.
is it possible to find someone who'll do that?
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When i want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things i detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when i'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
- somebody by depeche mode
[kids, subscriptions and minis]
yesterday was one of the busiest weekends i've had in ages. in the morning i went over to my colleague's place because she was throwing a birthday party of her one-year-old daughter. it was quite fun actually, coz the kids just all played with each other, and my mum had made what is possibly the most colourful birthday cake i've ever seen in my life (and she actually sat on a piece of cake, but that's a whole 'nother story and i don't think she wants me to say anything beyond that).
so all of my colleagues brought their kids, and i sat around playing with them once in a while, and my colleague's husband said to me 'you're quite good with kids ah!', to which i looked at him and said 'only if they're not mine.. '
and he finished the sentence for me and said 'and you return them at the end of the day!'
heheheh.. 'exactly!'
but they were very adorable those kids. with their big fat cheeks and the chubby arms..
after a big lunch and some cake, i had to head back home because it was time for ...
the sww roadshow at raffles city robinsons. so for five hours (FIVE HOURS!) i stood at our booth, with little traffic and not much response, i'd wish i'd brought along a book to read. my feet were so tired, and i was dying of boredom. i think it's alot harder when you're just trying to sell subscriptions, because at the roadshows where we sell the magazine, we get a much much better response. and part of our roadshow yesterday we were trying to spot people who'd bought the magazine, so we could give them a $20 voucher to spend at the robinson's beauty hall. what made it so difficult was that the robinson's carrier bags are so thick, you can't see into them!
anyway, five very long hours later (and a few trips to the origins counter which was just next to ours) we finally ended our shift, packed up and left.
i hurried along to plaza singapura to meet julie and chad for the italian job. i so want to get a mini now and race along the streets! it's a pretty good movie, very exciting and had the perfect pace so you didn't feel like it dragged at any point. i won't say anything else because you just have to watch it for yourself!
after the movie we headed off for some dinner (yes i realise it's about midnight at this point) so we walked to the kopitiam near the singapore art museum and had ourselves some dinner.
all in all it was a nice end to a long day..
and now it's raining cats and dogs, which my dog doesn't really like. she's been arguing with the thunder and lightning.. although i try and tell her it's useless, you just can't fight God!
but at least the weather's cooler now, and it's bearable.
and now i'm hungry, so i'm going to have lunch!
Tuesday, September 16
[rant alert]recently there's been someone trying to barge into my life. don't get me wrong, i kinda like getting to know new people.. but there's also a time and place for things. and friendships take time to build. you can't assume that each person you meet will automatically become a friend. this person seemed pretty alright in the beginning so i didn't mind chatting, but as time went on, it just got weird. i couldn't tell if this person was just desperate to get to know as many people as possible, or if they were just really lonely.
i think it's one thing to have conversations with a person and to find out about them, and it's another thing entirely when they force information onto you. especially the kind you just don't want to hear about. i hate people who only say things and wait for a reaction from you. and when you don't give it to them, they'll just keep going on about it anyway. there's a limit you know.. there's a limit of the amount of complaining and whining i can take from a person i don't consider my friend. and you'll pretty much know when you're not my friend, because i simply cannot be nice to someone i don't like. i'm just plain rude to them really!
that's just me i guess. i need to be able to respect a person, in order to be nice to them. if i can't respect someone, i just can't be bothered to put on a front and pretend i do! and really, don't try to act smarter than you really are. you'll always get caught out and look even dumber.
and please, don't tell people how they should do their jobs either. i don't think anyone appreciates being told they should do things differently, especially when you don't know anything about their work. i don't tell you how to do your job, you don't tell me how to do mine. that's not very hard is it?
*rolls eyes*
maybe some people are just born losers!
[end of rant]
i seem to be kind of distracted lately, especially when i'm at work. it seems like i can't concentrate on what i'm doing, and at the same time there's a million other things i have to attend to. i feel very guilty about it, especially when i made a mistake at work on monday. really it was something i could have avoided, it was something i could have done very easily. but the fact of the matter is, i forgot. i completely forgot about it. and it wasn't even like i could cover my ass and make up a story. i couldn't. there was no story to tell. there was nowhere to hide. i forgot. and i felt so bad about it. something this simple, and i couldn't handle it! i know i know, everyone says that these things happen, and that we all forget little things sometimes. i guess i'm just more upset at the fact that i didn't mess up, i didn't screw up anything. i just forgot.
and really what excuse can you give when you forget something? nothing.. except maybe it could be the early stages of alzheimers. but c'mon. i'm 23, who's going to believe that?!
~~~~~~~~~~
i'm working this sunday at a roadshow for the magazine. they're kinda fun sometimes, even if they are very tiring. it's amazing the kind of people you'll meet when you're doing a roadshow. one of the aunties at the last roadshow thought it was our first issue of the magazine. i had to kindly tell her it was our 6th year anniversary. then she said '$3.20 ah? so expensive!' i was about *that* close to challenging her to find a magazine with as much content as ours for anything less than $3.20.
~~~~~~~~~~
i read about the two guys that were murdered in sydney, and for some reason i felt kind of upset about it. i don't even know why.. it just felt like such a horrible thing to happen. they're still not sure what happened (although i can imagine a CSI-like investigation going on right about now!) but i think i'm just the emotional type. i get upset at these things really easily. pisces trait i think. i'm always close to tears at weddings (even if i don't know the people very well), i can cry watching movies, and when i hear about romantic things that people have done, i can even start to tear (although i try not to, because... you know, it's embarrassing!).
~~~~~~~~~~
ooh yay! it's 7 days to lorraine! *big grin*
~~~~~~~~~~
here's the song of the day..
Watch the early morning sun,
drip like blood from the day,
See the busy people run,
so many games to play
See the blue suburban dream,
under the jet plane sky,
Sleep away and dream a dream
Life is just a lullaby
Oh, and everything will flow
Oh, you know everything will flow
Oh...
Watch the day begin again,
Whispering into the night,
See the pretty people play,
Hurrying under the light,
A million cars, a million trains,
Under the jet plane sky
Nothing lost and nothing gained
Life is just a lullaby
Oh, and everything will flow
Oh, I said everything will flow
Oh, you know everything will flow
Oh...
Oh, and everything will flow
Oh, you know everything will flow
Oh...
The neon lights in the night tonight
will say "everything will flow"
The stars that shine in the open sky
will say "everything will flow"
The lovers kissed with an openness
will say "everything will flow"
The cars parked in the hypermarket
know "everything will flow"
- Everything Will Flow by Suede
~~~~~~~~~~
to end off today, i'd like to share a conversation between my mom and the dog today -
dog: rwoof
mom: what is it?
dog: rwoooof! rwoof rwoof
mom: *seeing her treat under the chair* aiyoh.. it's right in front of you.. you can get it yourself!
dog: *looking at mom* rwwwoooof! RWOOF! RWOOF!
mom: *sighs* *bends down and picks up the treat* aiyoh.. you can get it yourself you know. next time don't throw it around so much ok! *gives treat to the dog again*
dog: *happily chewing*
Sunday, September 14
what's in a name?The name of Deborah has given you organizing ability as well as an expressive, positive, and self-confident nature. You are able to work well with people and can capably direct their activities. You enjoy music and art, and love to meet and mix with people. An appreciation for quality has prompted you to strive for the best standard in dress, material possessions, and choice of food. On occasion, you can be intolerant and critical of others, quick to argue and to dominate situations. Though the name offers a fair degree of balance, you would have to watch that strong appetites do not find an outlet through excessive eating, causing overweight and resultant problems, or through emotional experiences which could create unsettled conditions in your personal life.
hmm, that's kind of eerie. strong appetites? emotional experiences? yes, it's true i love to mix with people, and i definitely do enjoy music and art.. who knew i'd give myself a name that suited me so well!
apparently my health problems will be: Weakness in the health could centre in the female functions, or skin conditions could be troublesome.
hmmm!
last night we had a mini-aussie party made up of a group of friends that all studied in australia at the same time. most of us studied in melbourne, while two of them went to queensland to get their degrees. what was lovely was that one of our friends who had gotten married to an australian turned up as a surprise! *grins* it was great seeing her again, the last time i saw her was at her wedding! it was just nice to catch up with people i hadn't seen for years already (except angel who i see every day). and we had a spread of sushi, some old chang kee food, five spice chicken wings, crackers and cheese, pizza, shepherd's pie and tiramisu. boy were we full by the end of it! and we even had cute little door gifts! angel (who nicely played the host) gave me this great adidas shirt and a rubik cube keychain. all the colours are in the right places now, it's not mixed up so i'm going to leave it as it is!!
tonight i've got a wedding dinner to go to, i think i know what i'm going to wear, but hopefully it won't get too long and draggy. it's my cousin who's getting married, so there won't be many people my age for me to talk to (my dad's side of the family.. we're not very close to them, and they're mostly boys). hmm i wonder if i can sneak a book in or something! i think i'd rather go over to chad's place and have our usual f1 night.. oh well, family first!
ooh CSI is starting in 15 minutes, better get everything ready!
Saturday, September 13
just one canal.. that's what separates julie and me. and for about two years we've lived across from each other separated by that one canal. so tonight after we'd gotten home from our night of sushi and movies (more about that later) we decided to try a little experiment. she rang me and said 'okay, turn on your light!' so i faced my desk lamp out the window and flipped it on. in my ear this voice exclaimed 'i can see it i can see it!!' and i switched it off. then she said 'it's off now!!' so she did the same with her room light and although this seems like a very bo liao thing to do, we were both quite amazed at how close we really live!! now if only we could find some use out of it.. hahaha!i watched turn left, turn right (or is it turn right, turn left?) with chad and julie. it's not a bad movie, just a little slow. and well.. you kinda knew what was going to happen even before you watched it! but hey, a soppy movie once in a while won't kill anyone!!
my sister's gone off to bangkok for a week on business. i don't know what sort of business, so don't ask me about it either! but that does mean that i've got the room to myself, which is nice.. now i feel that urge to spring clean coming over me again!!
i love the weekend!
Thursday, September 11
working late the last few nights..lots of things to do, no time to do it all..
bad headache pounding in my brain..
eyes don't seem to want to focus..
just thank god it's friday tomorrow..
going to crawl into bed now..
Wednesday, September 10
i've just reformatted the computer! well, actually my sister's colleague did, but same difference really. so now we've got windows XP installed, it's nice and fast and there are no weird things on it, but i also just realised i've lost all my favourite links!
Sunday, September 7
[my saturday]it’s kind of funny.. i’m sitting here at my computer and i feel like blogging, but of course, blogger’s down and won’t let me write anything. and then of course outlook isn’t working so i can’t even type an entry and then email it to myself. so here i am, in what feels like ‘old fashioned’ way of blogging – i’m typing it all into word. i just hope now that i remember to upload it to the site!
i went to see pirates of the caribbean last night with chad and Julie and we all loved it! essentially it’s a brainless movie, but then again it’s been a while since i saw a movie that challenged my intellect (not that i don’t have any ok!) but Johnny depp is just great, and if they had an oscar for best comedic performance (i can’t really say jack sparrow is a very dramatic sort of guy!) i think he’d win it hands down. plus who’d have known he’d look so good with all that eyeliner?
i’ve still got a whole list of movies that i want to watch, and hopefully i’ll get the time to watch them eventually. our dvd player has gone on strike, and my sister doesn’t seem to be in any sort of hurry to get it fixed, much to my dismay. thank goodness chad has a dvd player and lives so close by, otherwise i don’t know what i’d do!
pebbles the cutie just wandered into the room, gave a stretch and a yawn and shot me a ‘aren’t i so cute? i deserve a treat for being so damn cute!’ look. so, sucker that i am, i gave her a treat. sometimes she’ll walk into the room and go through great lengths to get herself comfortable. and then you feel bad for having to leave and go somewhere else because you know she’ll get up within two seconds and follow you!
iI’m off in a bit to have XO noodles. yummmmm.
Thursday, September 4
ahhh there are some days when i really love my job!this evening i attended a vespa launch. it really didn't take much convincing to get me to go because i love vespas anyway. there's just this wondeful old world charm about them, although i can tell you that the new vespas don't really look anything like the old ones, but are still just as glam!
hehehehehe i think it helped that it was a very relaxed launch, there wasn't any herding back and forth, and we were left to pretty much do what we liked. there was an open bar (which always helps!) so maybe that's why i've got the impression it was such a brilliant night!
but really, those vespas are so cute!
and plus, it's a great night because the things i ordered from victoria's secrets are here! YAY! that means it's time to go swimming again.. but i probably have to shake off this cold first.
tomorrow i'm going to watch the pirates of the caribbean! i think johnny depp is yum.
my comments system is down... hopefully it'll be back up again soon!
about me
i'm 24, a pisces, working in a magazine, sitting back and watching life go by.
i love escaping into movies and magazines, and most of all my friends.
but for now just relax, life will happen when it happens.
you're reading of my blog
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